#I LOVE TO MAKE KWENTO ABOUT THINGS THAT I LIKE

[tigre-edi-rawr]

how are you

The realest answer would be... not okay kasi nagooverthink, pero somehow busy thinking of my plans and future haha!

Dahil nagtanong ka naman, ikkwento ko na rin sayo, kunwari bestfriend kita.

I am planning on changing my life bigtime... right now, I am rediscovering myself again. I realized I have been living for others most of my life. Kailangan makatapos para maging proud si parents. Kailangan magsakripisyo para masaya si jowa. Kailangan makaipon para sa birthday ni ganito, para may maibigay ako sa pamangkin ko na pasalubong, para madala ko sila sa lugar na to. Kailangan pabayaan yung sarili kasi kailangan unahin yung mga taong mahahalaga sakin. Tho, not all the time because I'm no martyr, pero narealize ko lang na hindi ko naalagaan yung sarili ko sa lahat ng paraan kung paano ko alagaan yung feelings na family ko o ng jowa ko. I am always dependent and surrounded by people na mahalaga sakin na... ginawa ko silang mundo. I always prioritize them first, mostly never myself. Kasi masaya naman ako basta masaya sila eh. Liit lang ng kaligayahan pero fulfilling.

I left home because I felt like as long as I stay in that house with my family, all I will do is prioritize them still. Who doesn't want to give their everything to their parents, right? Kaya I moved out. (At may sama rin ako ng loob tbh hahahahaha) I wanted to be independent, sa lahat ng sulok ng buhay. Emotionally. Physically. Mentally. Decision making. Drive sa buhay. Everything. AND BE HEALTHY. So my life would run like how I want it to be. Walang opinyon ng iba. Walang nakadepende para kanino. Walang makakaapekto sa diskarte ko, lalo sa mental health ko araw-araw. AND IT ALL HAPPENED. IT WAS FUCKING WORTH IT!

Ang problema ko nalang ngayon, mag-ipon. Paano mas makakaipon? Saan ko dadalhin yung sarili ko as a reward? Travel plans. Food meal plans. Puro adulting problems nalang.

Now, another issue for me is dependent ako sa partner. Siguro simula highschool, hindi na ako nabakante. Baka once lang, noong masiyado pa akong hopeless romantic and I really wanted to end up with my someone special na ex ko haha. Pero after non, I was never vacant for more than a month. Which is fucked up. I was consumed with fairytale thoughts, nilamon ng pagiging hopeless romantic kaya kada may butterflies sa putanginang stomach, kilig, edi go na, jowa. Biggest lesson! Men are a waste of time, energy, and love. Lahat ng minahal ko, parang sa kanta ni Toni Fowler "tahimik lang sa umpisa" puro mga anghel sa umpisa pero in the end, all I got was pain and heartbreaks. So ayun, dami kong sabi, I'm really trying my best right now to just focus on myself... my career, lifestyle, mindset, logic, thinking, perspective in life, basta yung pagkatao ko ba in general. I want to solely focus on myself. Lahat ng pagmamahal, pag-aasikaso, oras, sa sarili ko lang. For the first time in a very long time, I wanted to be single yung tipong ang lalabas na sa bibig ko ay "why do I need men? Why would I need a man to love me? Anong purpose? For what?" And right now, I learned to completely not rely or depend to someone. My emotions, chores, money problems, kahit nga mood swing ko na bigla nalang ako parang madedepress, lahat RESPONSIBILITY KO na ako lang yung nagfifix mag-isa. Sobra, sobra, sobrang fulfilling niyan insan. Kahit i-mekus mekus na ako ng mga insan sa buhay, kayang kaya ko tumayo mag-isa.

Kaya somehow I am happy because it turns out hindi lahat ng lumang ako eh nawala ko. Yung pagiging masayahin, mapagmahal sa mga taong mahalaga sakaniya, ewan... parang namimiss ko siya, yung Dathnee noong batang-bata pa. Pero sinisikap kong ibalik lahat, repair all the damages or just make it heal atleast.

And anon, to end this answer, I am making things happen for me. It's hard but I'm making it possible, I hope you are too. Thank you for asking about me! Kwento ka rin if you want hahaha

[ditomunatayo]

Synopsis for Bini’s “Huwag Muna Tayong Umuwi”

“Huwag Muna Tayong Umuwi” is a captivating and heartfelt song that journey’s through the life of two friends who liked each other but were too afraid to let each other know, but they eventually realize what the truth is through time by staying, while knowing that their time will end soon. Hence, the title, “Huwag Muna Tayong Umuwi,” shows their desire to stay where they are. With a theme revolving around the emotional struggle of bidding farewell and yearning to hold onto the present, it shows the bittersweet truth of life. Mayroong sense of vulnerability at nostalgia ang lyrics ng kanta, kaya’t it captures the conflicting emotions na ineenvoke ng kwento.

Nagsimula ang lahat ng ito sa isang gabi ng kasiyahan sa dalampasigan, na kung saan mayroong magkaibigan na naglalakad sa shoreline, at tila bay sweet sa isa’t isa. Maoobserbahan na gusto pa nilang makasama ang isa’t isa but they are too shy to say it out loud. Sa bawat pagtawa at pagngiti nila sa isa’t isa, mararamdaman na lumalalim lalo ang damdamin nila para sa isa’t isa. Sa bawat pag hawi ng buhok ng babae, the guy falls in love more. With every step they take, they make it known na gusto nila ang isa’t isa, pero subtle lang dahil natatakot silang mawala ang isa’t isa sa buhay nila kapag nagkamali sila ng sinabi. So they let time do its work. Hanggang sa dumilim na ang araw at lumalaki ang takot na baka their journey will end na. On their journey, they felt the love they had for each other but they were too scared to admit it, so they stayed. Nanatili sila kung nasaan sila to enjoy each other’s presence. They are confronted with the desire to stay, but also the fact that they need to leave and end what they have soon.

Ang "Huwag Muna Tayong Umuwi" ay isang nakaaantig na story which celebrates the desires of love, the power of friendship, at sa kagandahan ng pagtanggap sa di-inaasahang mga paglalakbay ng buhay. With its relatable characters, heartfelt storytelling, at mapangahas na mga tema, ang kanta ay nakaaakit na pagsusuri sa pag-ibig, pagkilala sa sarili, at sa mga matatag na connection which shapes ang ating mga buhay.

It reminds us na kailangan, we learn to live in the moment, while also knowing when to let go. Or else, we miss making memories and the important things sa ating buhay. It shows us that we need to go through human experiences to live a meaningful life, at we have to learn to slow down and let go. Kung hindi, we miss out on the good things in life, katulad ng friendship at love. And at the end of the day, learn to take the risk before time is up. In their case, time made them realize the truth about each other. Hence, staying helped them. But that won’t always be the case for everyone. We have to learn to take a leap of faith, for the people we love before it is too late.

I remember the first time na napakinggan ko 'yung kanta, sobrang ganda sa pakiramdam lalo na't naiintindihan mo bawat salita at mga bagay na pinapahiwatig nung kanta mismo. Para bang hinihila ka sa paraiso na hindi mo aakalain na para ito isang baul na matagal na nagpapahanap sa'yo; sa oras na nahanap mo na ito, nakatatak na ito sa puso mo at sa utak mo.

A nightlife with you was simple yet sobrang fulfilling, two orders of liemposilog with another two slab of meat on the side, magpapakabusog sa ulam at sa kanin, solb na sa atin 'yon. We had fancy dates as well, it felt the same, basta kumain kasama ka, busog na ako at masaya ako kasi kasama ko ikaw habang kumakain. Hindi rin mawawala ang mga video na pinapanood natin sa YouTube, hindi buo ang dinner or kahit anong meals kapag walang pinapanood.

Ang simple lang siguro nito para sa iba, pero ikaw na mismo nagsabi na maganda ang mga piyesa ko. Ngayon na lang ako muli nagsulat na para sa'yo, ngayon na lang ako nagsulat na hindi graded o hindi kailangan sa mga subjects.

Sa totoo lang, nakakataba ng puso at mas lalo kong nararamdaman na kung gaano ko gustong magsulat. Ang saya sa pakiramdam na sinusulat ko ito dahil parehas tayong marunong magsulat, mas magaling ka nga sa akin.

[azullumi]

TEKA LANG ARE U FILO?? KILIG VIBES??? 😭😭😭 filo rin ako pero yeah omg kwento time 🤩 (ang haba srry in advance huhu)

so we're in the same group and our output for the final term is a like an advocacy project thing. we met in the first week of classes and when i saw him i just thought omg he's kinda cute, but in a appreciating a man's beauty kinda way hahahaha.. anw he was really REALLY nice like uhh yeah yoimiya niceness idk 😭

next week we meet again, and while talking apparently we have a lot in common?? (and it's rlly specific things like ex. we're both eldest sibling with two younger siblings, we don't use tiktok, we both do this thing where we go thru an internal thesaurus to look for the best word we need to use 😭) but what broke it for me was when he made like straight eye contact with me while we were talking... and usually, i don't make eye contact with people right, but this time i did 😭😭 and for some reason i like couldn't look away until i realized ay were.. looking at each other..... and after that happened i just couldn't concentrate anymore, but i didn't understand why yet...

and when i was leaving class, i went straight to my friend who was in another grp and i was gonna relay the info to her but then as we were leaving he was still there packing his stuff... and i said.. bye.... and i never initiate social contact like 😭 it was even an audible bye not just a wave ahhjj

anw, i told my friend abt our group discussion and i just kept repeating over and over how nice that guy was until we had to split ways for our next class... and i think i just realized like oh, i like him and i want to know him more 😭😭😭 so i messaged my friend that oh, i think i like that dude that's why i kept saying he was nice and she was like omg that's why u were so "kilig" right aft class and i didn't realize that 😭😭

TL;DR

anw, status as of rn, id love to be friends with him yes!!! next time we see each other.. im gonna try to compliment him about something... if he's actly taken or something, ill be kinda sad, but also i hope we can still be friends or something :')

(also note: we go to a uni, he's college of science, im college of liberal arts (bs-psyc) i was too shy to ask abt his major aft the eye contact incident huhuhu) - better days anon

wbwishaia KMF u're also filipino?! :00

also don't apologise if it's long bcs seriously i was rolling around the bed and grinning like an idiot BCS MY GOSH THAT'S SO CUTE EH OWHSIWHW?1!2 the things that happens to us when we're in love geez hopefully he's not taken (manifesting, praying, and crying for u) and if he's not, i say go for it and do whatevee makes you happy1! i'll be rooting for you though just like what i said, be careful with your heart and don't tread too carelessly <33

i am once again wishing you the best and luck in everything 🙏 im always here whenever u need someone to talk to or ramble about your experience bcs god gusto ko rin kiligin

[imlykacalago]

DAY 305 of 366. 11.01.2024

It's Nov 1, 2024. I'm seated right here in the dining table. I just finish having my lunch.

WOW. SELFIE HAHAHAHAHAH Gusto mo lang yata iflex yung glasses mong pretty eh. Buti nalang nag bagay sa akin. Akala ko pa naman mukha na akong ewan. Anyway, I'm currently finishing LOVE NEXT DOOR right now dahil loooooong weekend rin naman from school. I promised myself na every long weekend (or technically sembreak, I will just spend it at home and you know, take my time resting. I guess I failed to do that now.) Going back, nanonood ako ng LOVE NEXT DOOR at may scene doon na sobra akong natouched. Like as in. I can take a screenshot of the scene because Netflix has made impossible for people to take a screenshot or screenrecord movies so I'll just share my thoughts about it and why I am so touched by it. Ang context ng scene ay yung bidang babae, si Seok-ryu, may kapatid siya na lalake, Dong-jin, if I'm not mistakent. Now the thing is there so much family drama going on and ang kwento naman ng Dongjin na ito ay he was trying to help the family on his own ways. The thing is, he wanted an instant solution so dahil siya yung balingog sa pamilya, so he resorted to promoting a protein product that is good for people who loves going to gym. Since isa siyang former gym trainer, something related to this din ang nahanap niya na solution. Unfortunately, fake pala yung product na napili niyang ipromote. Something like molding protein product pala siya kasi hindi siya FDA approved something. So yung message naman ng story niya ay dahil he desperately wanted an instant solution to things, nag worsen pa tuloy yung situation nila kasi baka pwede pa siyang makasuhan and all. So they had to fix it and syempre, everyone in the family got mad and all that and an emotional scene took place where he admitted that he just wanted to help and that he knows he was the dumb child in the family, he only wanted to make everyone proud and stuff like that. OH AYAN, COMPLETE ANG CONTEXT HAHAHHAHAHAH GOSH LYKA, MADALDAL KA NANAMAN HUHUHU Anyway, going back ulit. So the scene that followed that after is si Seok-ryu (the bida and the ate, the smart child) went to his room. The scene was like trying to tell Dongjin na he didn't have to be someone great to succeed in life. He didn't have to go that far para lang maging amazing at great sa mata ng ibang tao dahil ang totoo, it won't matter in the end. If gusto niya man na mamuhay ng tama at puno ng purpose, then focus on the things daw that you value. Value the things and people you love in life. You don't have to be the best in the world. Not everyone is meant to live a great life. Some are allowed to just live ordinary lives and that's okay. That is absolutely okay. Di ko alam bakit naiyak ako sa scene na yon. I feel like I haven't really thought of it like that. Like I have always thought that the only way for you to truly live your life to the fullest is if you do something really great even if it means sacrificing your mental health or your happiness at that. WOW. That must have been great to be able to live an ordinary life and not having the crazy drive to do great. I think it still boils down to the truth that I am and have always been trying my very best to live up to the expectations of the people around me and self-sabotage when I know that I am not able to do so. How sad is that. That scene reminded me that in my journey of becoming great, I hope I won't lose my identity. I hope I won't lose myself along the way. I hope I will continue to value the people I love. I hope I will continue to rise above the challenges that may come my way.

It's an odd time to be writing this ng tanghaling tapat at sobrang init ng kapaligiran. But Lyka, I just want to remind you that it's not that bad. The life you have right now are mostly your answered prayers from the past so continue living life the way you desire, just make sure that you do not lose yourself in the process.

It's gonnaaaaa be a looooong journey, may be endless at that but never stop living and don't give it up. HUWAW. Bigla namang naging dramatic yung turn of events sa post na 'to pero truly, LABAN LANG IN LIFE LYKAAAAAAAAA!!! KAYA MO YAN!! KAYA NATIN 'TO! AATTEND PA TAYO NG RIGHT HERE WORLD TOUR. <3333

[exactlyprofoundtriumph]

Life is short, spend it with me.

Alam mo ba ang kwento ng "Myth of Sisyphus" ni Albert Camus? It's a philosophical essay about a man condemned by the gods to an eternal struggle. His task? Push a giant boulder up a mountain, only for it to roll back down each time he reaches the top. Endless. Exhausting. Parang walang katuturan. For Camus, Sisyphus represents the human condition—patuloy tayong naghahanap ng kahulugan sa buhay, sa kabila ng mga paulit-ulit na pagkatalo at paghihirap. We fight through life, only to face the same struggles over and over again. And yet, we keep going.

Parang tayo lang, hindi ba? We spend so much time chasing after things—success, love, happiness—na parang may ending ang lahat. Pero in reality, life just keeps rolling on, like Sisyphus’ boulder. Tinatakasan natin ang idea na eventually, lahat ng ginagawa natin ay maaaring mabasura, malimutan, maglaho. But here’s the twist: Camus believes Sisyphus is happy. Bakit? Because he owns his struggle. He knows the boulder will always fall, but still, he finds meaning in the act of pushing it up again and again. The process, not the destination, becomes the essence of his existence.

At ganun din siguro ang buhay—hindi mahalaga kung saan ka darating, kundi kung sino ang kasama mo habang nandiyan ka, naglalakbay. Maikli lang ang buhay, kaya bakit hindi mo sayangin na lang ang oras mo sa akin?

You see, in this fleeting world, time is our most precious commodity. Hindi natin kayang pigilan ang oras, pero pwede nating piliin kung saan natin ito gagamitin. And honestly? I’d rather spend it with you. Let’s be real, the world’s absurd. There’s no grand plan, no manual, no guarantees na lahat ng ginagawa natin ay worth it in the end. Pero kung nasa tabi kita, everything feels a little more meaningful.

Imagine this: We’re both pushing our own boulders up that mountain, tired, frustrated, sometimes on the verge of giving up. Pero instead of feeling lost, we look at each other and laugh. Kasi nandiyan ka. We get to share the weight, to make light of the burden. And that, my dear, makes all the difference.

Life is absurd, yes. But isn’t it also absurd to waste it on things and people who don’t matter? Maikli lang ang buhay, kaya kung sasayangin mo na rin lang, sa akin ka na. I promise I’ll make it worth every second. Let’s make our own little meaning in this vast, chaotic world. We don’t need a roadmap. Let’s take detours, get lost, wander in unfamiliar streets na walang kasiguraduhan kung saan tayo dadalhin, but as long as we’re together, that’s enough.

We don’t need to pretend na alam natin ang lahat ng sagot sa mga tanong sa buhay. Kasi, guess what? We won’t. Ever. Pero pwede nating gawing masaya ang paghanap ng sagot, kahit na hindi tayo makarating sa dulo. Instead of stressing about what’s ahead, bakit hindi natin sayangin ang oras sa mga bagay na nagpapangiti sa atin? Let’s take our time, laugh at our mistakes, and embrace the absurdity of it all.

At kung sakaling bumalik tayo sa simula, only to find the boulder waiting for us again, hindi mo kailangang mag-isa. I’ll be right there beside you. We can sit down, catch our breath, and maybe even joke about how ridiculous life can be. And then, when we’re ready, we’ll stand up, brush off the dust, and start pushing again.

Kaya hayaan mo na lang na kasama kita sa bawat hakbang. Kung sakali mang walang dulo, kung sakali mang walang grand revelation waiting for us at the top, we’ll know we didn’t waste our time. Kasi we spent it together. You’re not just wasting your time with me—you’re living it. Sa dami ng puwedeng gawin, sa dami ng puwedeng pag-aksayahan ng oras, piliin mong sayangin iyon sa akin.

Maikli lang ang buhay, kaya hayaan mo akong maglakad sa tabi mo. Let's waste our days together, laughing, stumbling, and finding meaning in each other's company. Kahit saan tayo dalhin ng buhay, basta magkasama tayo, everything will make sense in its own absurd, beautiful way.

[eunicexxx]

Kim Soo Hyun Asia Tour in Manila 2024

I never thought a time will come that I would actually attend a fan meeting of a Korean celebrity!!! Up until now, I cannot comprehend how everything happened and how the heck I was able to attend. Lol.

So if you have read my previous posts, you will surely know that I'm into Kim Soo Hyun right now because of his drama, Queen of Tears. So when they announced that he will have a FM in Manila, Karen and I decided that we have to go. Very fan girl moves!

June 29, 2024 we went to Araneta Coliseum to attend the said event. We were both first timers to attend a fan meeting, and we're so thankful that everything went smoothly from our bus ride and until we arrived at the event place.

While we were waiting for the gates to open, we walked around Araneta City and we were so happy to see our fellow Filo fans! We took pictures and then we realized that we didn't look like an actual fan meet goers since we didn't have anything! Rupps suggested that we should look around to see if there are sellers of headbands or banners with Soohyun's face but unfortunately, we can't find one. Turns out, it was prohibited around Araneta. But, good thing I saw an Ate walking wearing a KSH headband. Asked right away, and lo and behold, she's a seller. So we bought headbands and lightsticks! I know, very fan girl moves again! Hahahaha!

And then, while we were on the line going inside, we met a fan in her 40s I guess? And she said that it was her 3rd time to attend a KSH FM. She's so nice, she make little kwento about her FM experiences.

Fast forward to the event, it started at 6pm sharp. When KSH went out on the stage, ofc, a lot of shouting, screaming happened! The crowd was so loud (well, it's a Pinoy crowd, best crowd)! After his first singing performance, he greeted the crowd with 'Kamusta? Ako si Kim Soo Hyun. Magandang gabi." And yet again, the crowd went wild! And he cried!! Because of his fans' support and love for him.

He performed 'Love You With All My Heart', 'Wherever You Will Go', 'Someone You Love', 'All of You', 'Yodel it' (which is his first time singing in his FM!!!) and 'Way Home'. His vocals were so good! He can really pass as a singer-actor.

I won't put everything into detail, but is was such a fun fun fun experience! From my tv/phone screen to seeing him in person, it was a full circle moment that up until now, I still can't believe that it happened. And if you ask me if I will do it again my answer would be a big YES! KSH gave the best performance ever and to be honest, it was more likely a concert than a fan meeting I swear! Lol. To more FMs and concerts in the future!

Also, Kim Ji Won will hold her first FM in PH on August 3. Sadly, Rupps and I wasn't able to secure a ticket but it's okay. At least we were able to attend KSH's.

[benefits1986]

morogonomic

When it rains, it floods.

One of the things I do when I combat the flu (and cortisol) is watching a good movie. Dad has been cooking more with the help of my recipes, and pre-prepared ingredients with exact measures and specific instructions because your noona has been kinda clunky recently. I have been able to slow down a bit and what better way to wind down than to watch a movie together on a stormy MNL night, right?

And so, the new interface of Netflix is fucked. LOL. I rarely watch movies lately because I need to get stuff in places I don't even know when, where, or how. CHZ. Crap on crap on crap is what Netflix is, generally speaking. LOL. Kaya mejj wala na rin ako pake. When I saw Brillante Ma Mendoza's Moro, I knew I was not going to have a "chill" viewing experience. I actually browsed again and again. I wanted something calming or something that won't make me think. However, ang gwapo ni Piolo tapos 'yung ilong niya, parang ginawa na naman. CHOZ. Mala-Pinnochio na e and super pointed. LOL.

Brillante's brilliance is one of the reasons why I love indie films. The shaky shots, the bokeh, the colors, the frame, the details. It's giving ethnographic research on super steroids, babyyyyyy! Kabogstra Viva, Seiko, and Star Cinema. EMS.

The first time I saw Serbis ages ago, sabi ko, JUSQ. Ano ba 'to? Bakit I can feel the UGH seeping into my system. Naggawa niyang mag-appeal sa 5 senses even when it was but another indie film. Looking back, taob Vivamax sa Serbis. Isa pa lang 'yan a. Tabi. Choopi. And may social relevance pa as in god-tier levels.

Siguro, kasi Serbis is housed in cinema rin kaya appealing sa akin. Pero super graphic niya na hanggang ngayon, kunot-noo pa rin ako. Para sa mga nagsasabing porn-ish ang Serbis, bobo niyong lahat. Hahahaha. Eat shit. Serbis is a movie that moves people. Lalabasan ka ng inis, galit, poot, at higit sa lahat pawis. Kasi naman, I kennat why naman ganun here sa earth mga ganaps? And the kambing in one of the scenes, just super graphic. It's horrific and terrific. Ganernnn.

Iniisip ko nga kung papanood ko sa tatay kong pakitong-kitong itong Serbis pero baka mastress lang siya kesa mag-enjoy. HAHAHAHA. Namention kasi ni dad a few weeks back na ang legit daw pala ni Mercedes Carbral. Sabi ko naman: You haven't seen her in her glory, yet! Hahahahahaha.

Si Brillante, unapologetic sa timeline ng pelikula niya. And proud siya diyan. May flow siya kung saan immersion ang laban ng kwento niya. HOOOHOOOHOOO. Kaya nga, indie 'di ba? Budget, medyo malaki. Hahahahahaha. Pero 'yung mga paganaps niya, pakkkk.

Hindi talaga ako nasa-starstruck masyado, let alone naiintimidate, pero mannnnn. The first time I saw him in the flesh, solid. Kasi, he lets his art speak for him. PAK. Nakipagkwentuhan to the max talaga ako kasi sobrang gusto ko makita details niya up close. LOL. As a fangirl po tayo e. Tapos usap-usap kami about his films. HUHUHUHU. Pigil-pigil pa akong tumili kasi in that moment, I am living the dreammmmm, babbyyyy. Simple lang pero solid.

I think first time ni Dad manood ng Brillante Ma Mendoza film. So, boogsh. Hahahahahaha. Puro kasi Seiko saka Vivamax trip neto. LOL.

Side Note: Years back, tinanong ako ng tatay ko bakit naman daw 'yung 50 Shades of Grey ang lala. I'm like wtf do you mean? Syempre, explain-explain siya. Me: Hay. It's is what it is. And the target market are women who are bottled up. Research shows that... ayun. PAKSHET NA MALAGKET. Galetwoman na naman me. Apaka bobo talaga manood. Hahahahahaha. Also, kako, baka na-insecure lang din siya because... Hahaha. Boogsh. Forda record, OA nung 50 Shades. Honestly. Jusq. Pero pang-mainstream kasi siya, so ayun. Next!

Sabi ko na humanda siya. Aba sabi ba naman, bakit wala pang nangyayari sa mga unang scenes. In fairness sa comment niya, totoo 'yan. Ganyan si Brillante. 'Di naman sing-bagal ni Kidlat Tahimik pero mabagal talaga first few minutes ng pelikula niya. He takes time to expose his narrative.

In true fashion, may papoetic vibe kung saan, ang goal ay pag-isipin ka agad-agad. LOL. Sa ending naman, lagi't laging open-ended na syempre, ayaw ng mga typical Pinoys. HAHAHAHAHA.

I won't go into the "spoiler" route pero ukilkilin natin ang paglikha ni Ma Mendoza. Hahahahahaha. Shemayyyy. 'Yung shots niya, parang nasa frame ka as a "wingman" or "wingwoman" kasi iba pag-shot niya. 'Yung para kang Marites. Tapos, 'yung shaky shots epek niya, minsan may sense, minsan wala.

I think pinaka gusto ko is 'yung lights. As in. Solb na solb. 'Di siya fancy, pero kaya niyang magpa-sepia sa foreground tapos muted pero popping background. HAHAHAHA. Eat shit mga ibang manlilikha. Puwedeng edited na 'to lalo these days, pero naisip pa niya talaga 'yun 'di ba?

'Yung depth of field niya mula super shallow to super deep abot kabilang universe. EMS. Ang galing kasi kita mo talaga. Pinagisipan. Ginalingan kahit minsan medyo pilit. HUY. Hahahahahaha. Gets ba? Ayun. Mahirap kasi lalo 'pag camera mo, ems lang. CHOZ. Pero mahirap kasi budget is usually a constrict rather than a construct. HUY. Sino ka na naman diyan?

Then, the frames. 'Di siya Wong Kar-wai na frame within a frame within a frame. Sa tingin ko kasi, walang ganito sa Philippine cinema. Wala pa. Baka paparating pa lang. *wink*wink* Hahahaha. 'Yung framing niya, reflective ng Philippine culture. Either super wide or super tight. EMS. Walang in between. Paano mo nga ba kasi ife-frame ang isang bansang sobrang lala ng curation of the poor, the middle class, and the upper class, 'di ba po? CHOZ.

Anyhow, set design and prod. Isa pa 'to. Ang boogsh. 'Di siya fancy, pero malapit sa realidad. 'Yung parang hiniram ang mga costume ng cast sa kapitbahayan. Ganern. Eat shit ulit. Hahahahahaha. Compared to Oro, Plata, Mata, hahahahahahahahaha. 'Yun na lang talaga. I come in peace. EMS.

Another thing kay Ma Me is 'yung grainy pero sharp vibe. Basta. Gets ba? Or baka ako lang na naman yan. Pati textured skin ni Piolo, hindi naklusot. Pati imperfection nung nunal ni Piolo, putok na putok. Pati pag-tulo ng mga sinampay na damit nung housewife ni Baron, poetic. Hahahaha. Parang may subtext lahat. EMS.

I remember one question thrown by an audience (not me, syempre) about a film, not sure if Brillante 'yun. Tinanong kung intentional ba raw or subtext 'yung pink-ish color grading. Sabi nung direktor, ah. Napansin mo rin? Actually, wala lang. Gusto ko lang ng ganung color para maiba. HAHAHAHA. Tawa naman ang audience. LOL.

Details. Ang pinaka simpleng sapul details is 'yung mga weeds as in damong ligaw na nasa lupa after nung shot ng mga Most Wanted. Sobrang liit na details lang nun, pero juskoooolordeeee. Take my soul. Ganerrnn.

So, what?

I really wanna see more films from the Philippines that are trending with a purpose. 'Di lang 'yung puro landian to the max o kaya naman, puro very good girls and bois. HUY. We deserve a better cinema experience even sa online. Actually, lalo sa online. Dapat naman e magkaroon na ng impit finally ang mga pelikulang may kwento AT may kwenta. As I keep saying, cinema is a reflection of one's identity --on a personal level, and a societal level.

Para naman sana, may bigat at buga na tayo sa pagbaha at pagbayo sa bansa lalo na't sobrang disaster-prone natin. Para naman sa mga new breed na pagmamanahan natin ng legacy na sana naman, may silbi, savay-savay. Para naman sa pag-stop right now ng mga kulay ni ganito at ni ganyan forda greater good. Para naman kako, masawata na talaga ang kanser ng lipunan na nakaatang sa mga mamayan at sa bawat buwis at boto or hindi nila pagboto. Para naman sana, baka bukas, mas piliin natin ang Pilipinas ng hindi sapilitan lang. Para naman, baka naman, baka lang, makausad na ng tuluyan ang Bapor Tabo patungo sa West Philippine Sea. CHOZ. Para naman, kesa mega cities na reclaimed naman (ulol) ang focus, sustainable living and working spaces ang pamana natin sa next generation, 'di po ba?

Umaaray at dumudugo na ang middle class. Pati mga alta-ish, mejj nase-stress na sa lagay ng shit dito. LOL. Kaya naman, ano na? Ano ba? Ano pa? Ano? Suntukan? Ang agaaaa. Abangan! PS1: Fave shot ko sa Moro is 'yung part na may mother and son na parang Jesus and Mary pero Muslim. Basta. No spoiler. Abangan n'yo na lang kung masisipat niyo. Hihihihihihi.

PS2: Walang PS2 for today. Bukas na lang siguro. CHZ.

[icantevenrantinmymain]

eto na pala mga gamit mo. hindi pa to kumpleto isusunod ko mga naiwan, yung mga nasa baba ill send sa bahay niyo sa ilo lahat. lahat ng binigay mo ibabalik ko, kahit pinakamaliit na keychain. ayoko ng kahit anong gamit na binigay mo kasi it felt na it didnt come from the heart especially the time malapit sa breakdown mo. You were trying to bribe me, buying my attention and affection like you think i was that shallow? sa tagal kitang laging kinocomfort pag nagkakaroon ka ng episodes and moods, sa dami ng mga bagay na ginawa ko para sayo ako pa tinatawag mong walang hiya sa likod ko? ibabalik ko lahat ng binigay mo sa akin, those that i cant i will pay in cash kasama yung sinasabi mong utang ko sayo na deposit. i will admit, marami akong utang talaga before pa and i didnt realize na yung mga libre mo is just you buying me. maybe it didnt start that way, pero it became obvious near and during your breakdown. you were giving me gifts, lagi mo akong 'nililibre' and basically love bombing me. you dont take no for an answer and then you get all sad when i do. alam mo nakakasakal na sobra. matagal na. hindi ko lang masabi kasi i was hoping na you would get better and then you could handle real emotions. pero ngayon ano? bumalik ka lang sa dati, naghanap ka pa ng mga tao na magvvalidate ng kwento na ginawa mo na ako lahat may kasalanan. alam mo salamat. salamat kasi kahit ganito nangyari satin you gave me enough courage to want to grow. unfortunately i was growing more than you could and you kept on holding me back. sinabi mo sakin one time nung depressed ka na you think i would be better off kung umalis ka and i said no. you know what i really wanted to say? yes. you were holding me back because i have to cater to you mood swings and your mental illness that im not even responsible for! You were using my reassurances as a crutch, you werent even trying to expand your deep friends! you just kept clinging on me and i fucking hate it! "when you say meet new friends it feels like youre pushing me away." I WAS!!! I WAS TRYING TO PUSH YOU AWAY GENTLY BECAUSE I WAS SO FUCKING TIRED AND I FELT SO CAGED IN I JUST HAVE HALF THE MIND TO FUCKING KILL MYSELF IN FRONT OF YOU WHILE SAYING ITS ALL YOUR FAULT!!! i want to fucking hurt you by words so bad because its the only way it would stick forever. you said you would try and be better and i was so proud of you, but then i learned you stopped taking meds and stopped talking to your therapist. you know what im just so tired. just thinking what happened back then it really makes me angry and i cant even finish what i would want to say.

i heard you were talking shit about me na 'di ba ako nahiya sa mga ginawa mo para sakin'.wow. WOW. ikaw pa may lakas ng loob sabihin yan? sige isa isahin natin ginawa mo for me not complete list sure ako meron ka pang naalala na gusto mo isumbat sakin. una, nililibre mo ako, sige bayaran natin ng pera yan. sunod binibigyan mo ako ng 'gifts', sige ibalik lahat yan. tinulungan mo ako sa mga homework, lagi kang nagaask ng favor sa prof para sakin and the group, alam ko naman na flexing your connections gives you a sense of ego boost kasi you dont have a self that you can stand alone with. most of the homeworks i dont even want you to do, i became so dependent of you which is what i think you wanted. pero i hated what i have become, wala akong motivation mag aral, ayoko na pumasok kasi iaasa ko lang sayo mga gagawin, i said no when you offered me to do homework and i hated that i have to do that just so you wouldnt. i hate that you were so game on doing things for me that is literally detriment for me. thats why i started saying no to you, and you know what happened? modd swings. you got depressed frequently it was so tiring. we go out a lot which i dont like but i dont want to stay with you while youre in a depressive mood. i cant do anything with that, di ko mababalik or mababayaran ng pera pero we didnt ask for it. I didnt ask for it. you always offered. you made it seem like theres no strings attach tapos susumbatan mo ako?

kapal ng mukha mo. why dont you try not offering, wag mo iflex connections mo sa tingin mo may gusto sumama sayo? karamihan ng mga 'friends' mo sa school sumasama lang kasi they can get something from you. That sense of ego boost na nakukuha mo kasi hinahanap ka ng mga tao would disappear kasi if you dont have that you have no means of knowing who you are. you were a wreck nung walang pumapansin sayo kailangan mo pa magdabog para lang may lumingon sayo. you know whats sad? if only you would really want to heal and not make your mental illness your personlity you would really excel. i gave you years of my life supporting you, reassuring you, fucking repressing myself so you wont get mood swings, tinanggap ko lahat ng physical abuse na nakuha ko during that week na halos himatayin na ako tumayo lang ako tapos ikkwento mo na walang hiya ako? bayaran mo lahat ng emotional investment na binigay ko sayo hoping you would get better. ibalik mo yung time na hindi ako traumatized dahil sayo. alam mo yung kwento mo about the people who left you? dati akala ko talaga you were wronged, pero ngayon na naexperience ko to? i had an idea what went wrong. maybe they were just horrible people, maybe they really just dont care. or maybe they were pushed so hard that they dont have any choice but to complete cut you out of their lives, like me. i know youd say "but you said you wouldnt leave me, that you would stay" and i did, didnt i? i stayed when you were having depression episodes, i reassured you multiple times, i always said you did a good job, to take your time. I fucking stayed when you were having a breakdown, when you hurt me physically and left huge bruises that my parents saw. i stayed when i was emotionally drained and i had half the mind to just tell you to kill yourself. i stayed when all i wanted was to leave. but what did you do? you fucking wanted more. you wanted the things you know you couldnt have, threw a tantrum using your mental illness as an excuse and then blame me for how everything went down? how fucking generous of you. HOW FUCKING KIND OF YOU. THANK YOU SO FUCKING MUCH FOR ALL THE THINGS YOU DID FOR ME. and whats more frustrating is that i really meant it when i said you were one of the first people i told secrets about, my father, my low self esteem, and how im scared of the future because i dont know what i want. i did became more open because of you and i really thank you for that. but becoming more open means growing, and even though i didnt know what i wanted to be that time i know i wanted to grow. i want more. im tired of what i was and where i was at that time. but you dont seem to want to leave that place. i outgrew you and you were hellbent on keeping me there. for what? to reassure you? to make sure that youre still worth something?

when i started this rant i thought i could go on for hours just typing everything calling you out on every single thing, but now that im writing this part. everythign is just suddenly calm. im rereading the parts i wrote and i dont feel anger anymore. maybe it will return maybe not. all i feel for you is pity. that you had the support you need and then you fucked it real bad. then you revert and find people who will comfort you but not encourage you to grow. im sorry youre stuck in that cycle. i really hope you get better. it is still annoying when i hear your voice and see you, if youve noticed i cant even look you in the face the last year we were roommates. i cant even feel the annoyance or anger i felt that time. ive spent enough time on you i think im done. looking back i really was making a lot of morbid jokes and saying i wanted to die and i thought it was just my humor, turns out it was a coping mechanism. now that im in a better place i couldnt even joke that, maybe from time to time but when i find the thought i dont really mean it. i dont actually want to die, i want to live and experience more. i think i do have a morbid sense of humor but i dont need it to be happy. im happy where i am now. i am more sure of myself, i have friends that i have good boundaries with, i am learning to establish my own boundaries, im unlearning the trauma you gave me with a supportive partner, im actually having plans for the future even if im scared and im still unsure if i can do it. im excited to live. im feeling real emotions. i cry a lot now but it feels so good being able to just let it out and let myself regulate properly. i know you will say i dont have a mental illness like you, yeah i dont and im lucky for that. but you cant use that as an excuse because people with mental illness like you were able to live full and happy lives. "but im different" theres a reason why they were able to diagnose mental illnesses, because theres a bunch of people that are the same as you and those people were able to cope. i know its not easy but some of them probably have a worse life than you had. i worked hard to reach where i am today and when i say that i really did. i had a lot of step backs and even thinking id die like that but i kept going. a part of me really wants to grow no matter how painful. and it is very painful. but its about learning and adapting, new experiences are scary pero it opens up new paths to explore.

if it wasnt obvious im saying goodbye. im severing ties na because not only it became toxic you were talking shit of me behind my back, even though i admit some of it are true, but i wouldve appreciated it if you told me straight. i wouldve paid and given you everything back. im just really disappointed with how you handled that and i know you hate that word but its the only word that can describe how i felt when i learned that. im disappointed in you. i still hope you get better but i wont be in it. in the future maybe there will be a chance to reconnect but for now im saying goodbye. i need to heal the trauma you left me. you can talk more shit behind my back i dont care now, it will all come back to you when they know the truth. i guess being in a better place is the best revenge after all.

[valleyfthdolls]

do you have any useless fun facts about any of the characters in ur fnaf au ... doesnt matter how small or uninteresting they r i think its the funest part in making an au tbh

YESS I have many

Specifically for ScSiB because I'm crazy

A bunch of super irrelevant fazbear employees are characters I like to reuse. Nora Pacheco avoids any and all customer interaction, Anna Kwento is only good with kids because she can discipline them, Mark Cho has an unrequited crush on his coworker Raha but is totally aware she doesn't have romantic interest and likes being her friend, Raha Salib's favorite color is purple and she wears a lavender hijab most of the time, and they're the first ones to notice Glamrock Freddy is being fucking weird.

Vanessa and Valentine were naturally blonde as kids, but their hair darkened when they grew up. Valentine prefers brown hair, but Vanessa lightens her hair.

Gregory has somniphobia. He gets so terrified about sleeping. He snacks a lot to keep his energy up, and tries not to fall asleep unless he is completely alone and unfindable.

Valentine likes pastel/kidcore fashion. She doesn't have a lot of confidence in how she dresses, though, until Glitchtrap comes along.

As for Vanessa, I don't know what kind of fashion she likes, but the love of cutesy things is Valentine. There's kind of a split between Vanny and Vanessa as entities to create Valentine, and as such, Valentine has some of Vanessa's traits (positive, feminine, liking cute things, being kind of friends with Luis).

Vanessa's favorite kind of pizza is cheese. Gregory will eat any kind, but when given the choice, he prefers sausage. Valentine likes cheese too.

Gregory hates pickles.

All of the Brooks kids are trans in some way. Gregory is a trans boy, Vanessa is... girl in a genderqueer way?, and Valentine is.... genderqueer in a girl way??? I don't know how to explain it

Valentine loves sweets, so does Gregory. Vanessa likes them too, but is super careful about watching her weight.

VR makes Gregory super dizzy. This is from constant dehydration more than anything.

[garetlomodag]

2023 November: Betrayals and Jesus

Let me start off by saying that with the peaks and progress of the previous months, I didn’t imagine this month to be the longest I would cry and get furious, get heartbroken all over again (circa 2014), and find myself undone at Jesus’ feet.

At the second to the last month of the year nonetheless, no mercy!!

I decided there’s no holding back in this piece. This is my blog anyway. I had to do the edits here cos when I started my draft, I was bat crazy mad.

Whatever good and trash I dump here, I don’t have any regrets. I stay true to what I wanted to do at the start of the year, to document all this and hopefully look back and see how God mysteriously moved the whole year. This post is gonna be long. So if you’re not ready for it, it is fine just pass through.

But if you’re still here then you must have been intrigued by the title and want to know what the fuss is. There’s no kwento here (if 🍵 is what you want) , it’s just me processing all this, in hopes that I see the light and reach the end of this tunnel — whenever that may be.

I have several things I want to talk about. You may or may not agree with everything, but I hope you pick a thing or two for your own good.

In most of my learnings and realizations this year (if you’ve been reading everything I was posting since January), it’s about choosing your people, being ‘choiceful’ of the people you trust, that it is better to build relationships with people you share the same values with, that your closest group make a big influence in who you are. I still stand by what I said.

But today I write something somewhat connected to all those.

It is this: betrayal stings the most when committed by people you deeply trusted your heart with. Betrayal stings the most when committed at a time when it mattered the most.

If you’re here, you probably already know that when I build relationships I truly treasure, I trust all in. I don’t hold back loving my people cos that’s how I’m wired. When I love, I love deeply and genuinely. With no ulterior motives, no schemes, no maneuvers to selfishness — in whatever context that maybe. Heck, only threatened people will take my kindness negatively. I always see to it (and remind myself) that it is from the abundance of what I get from God that I can treasure these people.

So you can already probably imagine how it feels and weighs for me now? The deeper the care, the deeper the cut. Imagine the horror of knowing that you’ve been (character)-assassinated by people you care for in a room you were not in.

Going through this, I remembered some brutal and savage people/characters I’ve encountered in my life that I am pondering on now:

An ex big boss once shared: “With me, I trust people first, then see what happens. If it gets broken (cos they do something stupid), then this time it’s gonna be hard earned.”

Jessica Pearson from Suits: “Loyalty is a two-way street. You’re getting it from me if I’m asking for it from you.”

What I read somewhere is true: time reveals all things. People, intentions, level of relationships.

Needless to say, I am still in the disgusted but heartbroken stage. I don’t know for how long, but I have not felt this same way in a long long time. I am disgusted at myself for ripping my heart and mind open to people who eventually took a swipe at me, bit me, and threw me under the bus with things I entrusted them in confidence.

I am calmer now (I guess). For context, my writing intervals take about 1 wk so the flow of this blog is fluctuating like crazy.

I had to be mad to have a resolve that I won’t go through this ever again. That I will be careful with my vulnerability and sincerity. But also kept telling myself that I don’t want to lose myself just because I was treated inappropriately. As difficult as it may seem, in the deepest part of my heart, I still ask God to not let me lose hope and faith in people. I’ve been asking Him so many things lately.

My outcry to God the past weeks has revolved around these thoughts:

- please protect me from those being strategic with me while I was just trying to be genuine with them

- Give me vindication as I try to hold myself together, when all I can see is the betrayal and my broken trust.

- For Him to remind me that He is still God and He will not withhold anything that is good for me. So when He withholds, there might be something about it.

- To remind me that crying is not a weakness, that my emotions are not to be taken lightly, invalidated, and used against me.

I can only say I am blessed because despite all this, I had accountable people who gave me different but sound POVs. If not for them, I would have wallowed in my slump.

I guess I just learned (again) the hard way. And maybe this is me realizing that I cannot keep everyone in my closest circle, that I need to learn to cut off people who don’t deserve an access to me.

What a friend of mine said stuck with me (non-verbatim): sometimes people — though they are not generally toxic — are only toxic to you. You snip them off. You don’t lose them. They lose you.

So it was really a surprise that T. Swift (yet again) articulated what I’m going through with a song she just released on all streaming platforms: You’re Losing Me.

Will I get over this? I hope so. It should pass, right?

Will they realize what they’ve done? Probably not, but that’s beyond me. The act is already a closure in itself.

Will I forgive? They may have lost a true comrade in me, but yes for sure I will (in hopes I can, and God allows me) forgive.. in time.

What a November right? I know I always tell you guys that I am praying for you, but this time I ask you to pray for me, as the Spirit leads you, genuinely.

Thank you for sticking this far. You mean a lot to me. 🌻❤️‍🩹

[geldiaries]

[ AUG022023 ]

This is probably one of the most emotional moments I had with Ate Dane.

Ever since I knew she would be taking the Board Exams, I already planned in my head that I will go to her and make salubong. So I did.

I actually have been planning it since March this year when the review season got really tough for her. I promised and told myself that I will try my best to be her support system. I don’t know the feeling of being anxious and tired because of the review, self doubts, and other negative things that are basically the effects of the review season, but I know it is hard. I understand how much she pressured and pushed herself into reviewing almost 24/7. She doesn’t even sleep or rest. She wakes up feeling like she’s going to throw up, she’s dizzy, lost her appetite, like her body really manifested the anxiousness in her mind. I hope she knows that even during those days, I’m proud of her. Like so much. I’m so proud of my Ate Dane even by just choosing to wake up and prepare herself to go to the Review Center.

Fast forward to Day 1 of her Review, I didn’t really message her much. I just sent her my “Good luck” and tried to ask her about her day because I know it was tough. I honestly wanted to go and wait for her outside SanSeb for Day 1 and 2 but I realized that it’s not the right time for that, so I didn’t. I got really sad when she told me that she broke down that day hehe so I kinda regret not seeing her even for five minutes on the first day. Then during Day 2, I was excited to see her. I want her to know that I’m proud of her for finishing the exam strong. I want her to know that she’s doing great and that she’ll pass the exam. So there, after I got her coffee I went straight to see her. It was funny because I don’t know where SanSeb was so I had to ask and let my two Uni friends to accompany me tho I was the only one who got off the jeep.

Then there when I arrived, I called Ate. Lowkey regretting I didn’t film the first part of that meet up because she almost ran to me, and she hugged me so tight. We both needed that. And I know we both missed each other that much. Before that meet up, the last time we saw each other was last February 03. Fucking 6 months. She can’t believe it and it was so funny because her voice became soft like she was about to cry. I was too. She had no idea how much I missed her and how much I longed for that moment.

After that, we went to St. Judes. It was our first time going to church together. We talked there and it was also the time when I finally told her in person that I'm proud of her and I hugged her again there. It was funny because when we were walking on our way to the church, it was raining, and I asked her to open her umbrella, but she only said "Mababasa kasi" and we laughed at that. She's just like me for real. So, we walked there under the freaking rain that's why we were soaking wet.

After that we talked again and catched up though I think a day would never be enough to talk when it's the two of us because even if we make kwento over the phone, we never ran out of things we talk-- and that makes us, us. We're just really talkative and we're that comfortable with each other.

When we're on our way to the LRT station, I got really sad because I know the time was short (tho we only agreed to see each other for good 10-15mins lol scam). I still want to be with Ate and I know she still wanted to just as much as I do.

But here..,

Hello, My Ate Dane

I know you won't be able to see this but I just want you to know that I'm so proud of you. I'm beyond proud of you. Congrats on finishing the board exams strong. Thank you for not giving up. I'm already claiming the "RPm" after your name. I know you'll get that (balikan ko 'to after results for another entry!). I love you so much! I will always be here to support you, in all ways. You know I got you, right?

Palagi.

[tigre-edi-rawr]

The Indecipherable-Enigmatic Faith of this Love Story

I will share a 2013-2023 story... should I say in the making?

This is about my ex boyfriend in high school, let's just call him 'Anj'. The post above is about him. It's not really all the context, so I think this is the right time to update this because it is fucking strange to me. Up until now, it's fucking confusing.

He was the best man I never had in the end. He was the standard, entirely what I want in a man.

He made my high school days special and unforgettable. Puppy love story ng mga high schoolers. I was contented. I do not remember why we broke up before going to college but we did. I remember taking Psychology for my first year in college, and I never wanted anyone but him in a room full of interesting men. Kahit sobrang daming umaaligid, nagpaparamdam, nagpapaalam na gusto ako, I don't care. So I stayed single for a year, bukambibig ko parin siya sa mga kaibigan ko. Palagi akong may kwento tungkol sakaniya kaya parang hindi rin siya nawala sakin, kasi baon ko parin lahat. We're not talking much nitong mga panahon na 'to. Siguro from time to time lang, once every couple of months.

After one year of taking BS Psychology, I was able to shift to my dream course, BS Electronics and Communication Engineering. Bestie, sobrang daming pogi! Ang daming very attractive kasi ang talino talaga. But at the same time, it was a lot of pressure because it's not just my dream to finish this course but as well as my father's. I was able to move on during this time, busy ako sa acads and finally I got to accept things pero I am still thinking of him from time to time. I was certain I'm okay. Until hindi ko na siya nasagi sa isip ko.

One time, my friend invited me to join them, pupunta daw sa MCL (he was enrolled in this university at the time) kasi may banda na tutugtog. Up Dharma Down! Ito yata yung time na maingay mga musika nila, kaya tuwang-tuwa ako at excited pumunta. Di ko naisip kahit isang beses na mangyayari yung hindi ko inaasahan...

I was standing at an enormous football field at MCL. I was facing the court area where the band will perform. Until suddenly, people walk past me and my friends.

I looked at them, it was him.

I am certain it was him. Nanginginig ako nito, hindi ko alam yung sasabihin ko, I remember just making noise of excitement until I became shocked and quiet. My friends are asking me what it is, words seems having trouble getting out of my mouth. My eyes are fixated in their way. He was with 2 girls and a boy who is a high-school friend of ours. They looked like a group of couples who will watch UDD to perform that night, it crushed me. I won't forget about this memory because this became the waking up call that I still love him and I don't want to lose him for good. I think I reached out to him, we talked, I convinced him to take me back and make us work. And though at first he didn't want to, we ended up getting back together. I was living the dream.

He was always at my place. We had a lot of fun, conversation, understanding, love and memories. Every puzzle perfectly fits. He would always help me with my papers, he would usually stay past midnight. Even if we can't talk or bond, he would just stay beside me while I finish all the things I needed for school the next day. After that, we would make out all night, and I don't know why but we didn't get tired of kissing for hours.

But things were a lot for me that time. I was having a hard time to keep up with my future, academics, and having to maintain the relationship as well. Napagod ako. Narindi ako. Nahirapan ako kasi sobrang hirap maging panganay. I remember failing a subject and had to choose if I should focus on my acads or have him still. I chose to let him go and focus on my future.

That was the very last time he was really mine.

But he never left.

Technically, he never did. I met someone, the 4-year toxic relationship? He saved me multiple times in that relationship. When I felt like I want everything to stop and be loved the right way, I will break up with 4-year toxic relationship then he will be there to comfort me every time. He became my knight and shining armor. He never questioned anything, accepted me open arms and loved me like how I deserve and wanted to be loved. Pero yung gagong ako, babalik kay 4-years na toxic dahil "mahal ko". This cycle happened many times, yeah, I know. Manggagamit ako, gago, mapagsamantala, malandi, name it. But that was never my intention.

Every time I will go back to Anj, it felt like it was the right thing or it was all I ever wanted. I always thought it was the right decision until I miss my ex and can't forget about my 4-year ex then it will be a miserable situation for me again.

Anj became the standard. He was the living representation of the kind of man I wanted in life, that is true hanggang ngayon. Until now, no one have lived up to that or past that. But the timing was never right, time was never kind to us. By the time we are able to go back together, I was not in love with him anymore. It was the most cruel realization I had to experience. He was just an idea, the standard, a memory, someone who I know will take good care of me and love me no matter what. In short, wala na akong mahihiling pa. Pero hindi na siya yung mahal ko.

I tried my best to stop talking to him, okay man ako o hindi. Ayoko nang sagipin, manggamit ng tao at manamantala ng kahinaan. Kahit pa hindi ganon yung intensyon ko, ayoko na manakit ng tao dahil hindi ako sigurado o dahil magulo akong tao. And I did.

The indecipherable-enigmatic faith of this love story starts here...

From time to time, maalala ko parin siya. Maraming beses na iniisip ko sana siya nalang, kami nalang ulit. Kapag naalala ko siya, iniisip ko kung kami talaga, kami talaga. Gaya noon, gagawa ng paraan ang pagkakataon para pagtagpuin kami ulit. Sobrang lakas ng kutob ko na mangyayari yon sa tamang panahon. Naghihintay lang ako ng tamang panahon, kung mangyayari man.

Why do I think that? You might ask. Here's why:

I still dream about him sometimes, and wake up feeling confused and heavy the entire day. I was not even thinking of him, but he will visit my dream out of nowhere.

I will remember him sometimes because of a thing, a place or anything that holds any memory of us or him.

When I am hurting, I always think of him and say to myself "kung si Anj to, he knows too well kung paano ako mahalin at kung paano ako i-handle." Or "kung si Anj to hindi niya ako sasaktan ng ganito"

Minsan bigla ko nalang siyang maalala, tapos mag-iisip ako na ano nanaman bang ibigsabihin ng lahat ng to! Ang gulo-gulo. Tapos biglang may matatanggap ako na chat or mail from him. Para bang hindi na co-incidence eh, kasi napakaimpossible naman na mabasa niya yung nasa utak ko tapos bigla siyang magpaparamdam out of nowhere.

Kapag single ako, hindi ko alam kung paanong palaging yung timing niya sobrang sakto. Bigla siyang mangangamusta or magpaparamdam lang pero mawawala siya ulit.

Napakaraming signs which are confusing me right now. Especially I wanted to enjoy being single for a long time and focus on myself. This doesn't help at all. My hopeless romantic ass are enjoying it too much.

[rmix0103]

Practice what you preach.

You might end up referring to yourself. That's what you called projection.

Kwento mo yan. Malamang ikaw ang bida dyan.

As they always say, "action speaks louder than words." Before you self-proclaimed how great you are, look in the mirror and reflect on your actions. Make sure that your arrogance is not mistaken as confidence. You continue to keep your head high and not able to see what's happening on the ground. Keep your feet on the ground so you can know more and understand more what is really happening around you. The world doesn't revolve around you. That is being sensible.

Talking about how you love a person but contradictory to your action. Being helpful but always looking for something in return? Toxic Filipino traits like "utang na loob" won't give you the credit of being great. Ang taong tinulungan mo ang makakapagsabi kung tunay ka nga na kahanga hangang tao. Not to invalidate your "effort," but being able to offer your hand to those in need wholeheartedly will bounce back to you by people saying you are great. Not you saying all this and that. And that's what you called modesty.

Respect begets respect.

Ang respeto hindi hinihingi, kusang binibigay yan, kung marunong ka din rumespeto. Respect is not about having a diploma. It's about how you treat people regardless of status in life. Respect is not about money. It's about how you help people thru the things that you have without asking or expecting anything in return as you are being considerate of their situation. Don't use your so-called "pure" intention in helping people where, in fact, you are doing this because you want them to feel indebted to you so you can manipulate them. It's not help. It's gaslighting people.

We have different ways of showing our love and appreciation to others. I get that. Pero yung ipilit mo yung klase ng "pagmamahal" mo sa tao kahit nakakasakit na? Dun pa lang, nawala na yung respeto mo sa tao. You are obviously not sensible, and all you have is your pride, which ended you to gaslight people.

[digitalnomadhub]

Entry1

What I like about him is he brings out the goofy and playful me, no need to be alert and cautious on how I behave or talk because he will accept me just as who I am.

I like putting "po" and paawa emoji talking to him.

Being child-like, enjoying guessing gamess and being pabebe in asking what I want cos I know he will give in to my cuteness eventually.

I like that he never gets tired singing for me kahit minsan, piyok piyok pa. His voice is good sa lowkeys.

It's amazing how we never run out of kwento during the day and still have more to say at night.

And lastly, he waits for me before he sleeps when I'm outside pa. Such thing melts my heart.

He's attentive and he learns Nihongo din thru me. He watches anime. and asks the things I like.

And he always always updates.

He makes me happy. He makes me laugh.

He makes my heart burst.

I told him, I don't do updates. But you update me. So I update you. Indicating that whatever he initializes, I reciprocates. <3

I'm thankful he's doing his best for himself and I inspire him to be better.

We have the same sense of humor too. And he's a feasterr.

I hope one day, we can worship together.

And if our meeting is fate, and a real love story, I hope we can make it till the end.

Hays, daydreaming mode, self.

[benefits1986]

<expecto>_<patronum>

Healing the inner child means going into the woods not to be stuck, but to revisit the lessons of all the adventures and misadventures.

One reason why I don't buy any Harry Potter Lego set is because it's perpetually added to my cart and I'm waiting for a legit price drop. I'm not keen on buying it online, too. There's a certain kind of kick whenever I pass by a Lego store even when I abhor yellow. And the prices are not joking, too. After 38 years, here I am finishing off my first ever intricate piece which is the Expecto Patronum set.

My brother egged me that since I'm innately bored and severely impatient, chances are, I'd end up asking his panganay, a Gen Alpha Lego fan to build it for me. Hinamon tayo. I spent my Saturday building up this set. I have errands in between. To capture the mood, I also rewatched The Prisoner of Azkaban. I told myself that it was about time for another encore.

Of course, I knew the scenes, but this time around, the subtext hits differently. Here's my tiny list of reminders which I must say is totes JIT.

1 The pain of losing someone you love will never end. But, choosing not to shut down any form of intimate connections will make that unfathomable and eternal pain worthless.

LUH. Boogsh. Ang aga-aga mo na naman, dhzai. I'll explain this once the right time comes. For now, I'm leaving it here as is, where is.

2 Dementors are depression blows. Their kiss signifies the spiral that leads to the most ego-shattering and heart-crushing meltdowns.

I've been putting off this thought for a long time, however, we're growing up and biking our way through this short life.

3 Patronus is the tiny spark that you have no matter how fucked up things get. That tiny spark is enough to let your light shine at its dullest and brightest, too. Choose your own adventure na lang talaga.

When Harry waited for James to save him during a near-encounter featuring the almost lifeless Sirius Black, Hermione told him it's impossible for James to do so. Harry felt so defeated because it meant his Mirror of Erised wish was but a fallacy, after all. Harry grumpily held up his wand and produced a really crazy-ass Patronus charm... a first, and an epic one, by the way.

Rewatching this yesterday made my tummy knot. OA na naman kasi malimit talaga nonchalant na ako when watching Harry Potter movies. Panget ng SFX pati CGI. Pati lifting from the books. LELS.

This is where I say that even when JK Rowling is obviously very ugh in terms of being anti-trans people among other cancel-worthy pakawala niya consistently, you separate the art from the artist.

The way she does subtext is just so magical and mundane. Grabehan. Iba talaga 'pag ang kwento mo ay hugot na hugot sa mga graphic lived experience like pagbasa ng mga letters from those na trapped sa conflicts na bloody, noh? Iba e. From the pusali, the pusakals, and the putang inang why naman kasi may ganito sa earth levels, however, it's a reminder to just do it, all for the greater good. Always. EMS. Kahit mahirap saka nakakatamad. LUH.

4 We are good and bad sentient beings. We're all guilty and not guilty, however, what matters most is choosing the things that take us closer to what defines us and what doesn't.

The scene where Voldemort tried to get into Harry hit so differently yesterday. It's very graphic in an untog sa marmol na pader or as toilet bowl vibe level. I said this so many times, but let me reshare: We are the choices we choose. In the same manner, we don't realize that we are also the choices we did not choose. Parang mas maganda lapag niyang statement na 'yan today. Or baka nga, super aga pa at maganda ang PL natin rn.

5 Bullying and being the bully is a legit combo for a fucked up adult life. It's pretty much like high school all day, every day.

As a batang 90s, for me, bullying and being the bully are part of the grind. Ganun talaga noon even for Gen X and Gen Z. Siguro for boomers, mga about war and post-war 'yung trauma.

The thing is that these triggers also fire you up and knock you out. Baka ako lang 'yan a. My rule of thumb remains the same: Bully ka ba or ikaw nambu-bully? Subukan mong 'wag magsimula lalo na't 'pag kaya mo namang palampasin. Also, 'pag sinimulan ka, siguruhin mong tatapusin mo at dudurugin mo ng pinong-pino. LOL.

I'll keep it here na lang muna because I'm dealing with a trigger na tinatawid natin na kinda recent. Hahahahahaha. Itatawid natin 'to ng pinong-pino with a baseball bat. Abangan! Hirap to choose peace pero we're trying our best to get there, kaso, wala e. Trigger is real na real. So far, the bright side is winning kahit g na g na g talaga ang dark side lalo kapag may any window ng shit na naganap. So, disengage na muna para less chances of pulling the trigger.

Lesson: 'Wag na 'wag ka na talagang magpalampas ng mga ungas kahit joke lang. ;-) Para ma-easyhan mo lang ang pinong-pinong pagtatapos na mala-baseball bat ang hagupit. And I, thank you.

6 Will you may turn back time, the truth is that you can never freeze time and the memories that come with it.

Syempre, feel na feel ko na Harry-Dumbledore kami ng nanay ko at tito kong mga Taurus. Eto na naman po. Sumisibat. However, I'm at the point of no return. WAW. Sana etong time na 'to e sa ngalan na ng pakak 14 going 40, ano po. Again, 'di ko sure if I'll reach 40, but, sige. Sa ngalan ng Europa at mga Harry Potter sets on the way to Diagon Alley and Platform 9 3/4, subukan natin.

There were so many delulu solulu times na gusto ko ng Time-Turner 'yung birthday wish ko. HAHAHAHA. Kasi feeling ko talaga, I can save my mom and my tito. 'Yung kaya ko pang itawid na mga senior citizens slaying life sila levels. Pero, mhie. Iyak-tawa ang ending. Kasi nga, their health conditions are slaying the trolls in the dungeons.

Matigas ulo ko e. Legit din. So, habang walang bakas most of my birthdays when they expired o kaya naman may malalang BTS mga pa-birthday surprises sa akin, gets ko na. Okay? Okay na! Hahahahaha. Tanggap ko na kahit ayoko pa rin 100% na: Time wasted beautifully is not wasted time.

Mom is time-rich. Tito is cash-rich. Both of them super OA na nonchalant ang takada. Passive-aggressive levels: Out of this cosmos. OCD: Wagas pero 'di halata unless may task na nilapag.

O 'di ba? Both ended their stories before they reached their 60s. Mga Taurus talaga cancer ng universe ko. LOL. And while I'm gonna be dealing with this twin loss na colossal damage talaga sa human nature ng noona n'yo, andito na tayo sa point na sige na nga. Sige na. Tama na pag-replay ng scenes to punish myself na ano pa bang dapat at hindi ko dapat ginawa? Finally? Sana! We're taking it one day at a time na ngayong H2 onwards. EMS.

Syempre, andun pa rin ako sa "almost is never (ever) enough" in Venti, pero, medyo may character arc development na tayo salamat sa pag-focus sa mga bagay na out of focus the past 12 years like: You can only do so much, so tumigil ka na diyan sa mga what if mo ng nakaraan, mhie. Malaki na bat wings and apron belly mo for those shit na poetic pero horrific. Lekat ka. Pak.

I can go on and on but, let's practice restraint. EME. Akala mo naman napaka legit ng mga lessons e 95% completion pa lang ang Expecto Patronum kasi nga, bobo tayo sa mga left and right and perspective. Eto 'yung time na gusto ko call a friend 'yung tagaggawa ko ng drafting plates ages ago na walang kapalit maliban sa kasungitan ko. HAHAHAHAHA. Pero big girl na tayo kaya isang leg na lang kulang and we're officially off to our next Lego build, baby.

[mikinmelbs]

it’s beeeeeen awhile……..

Almost 7 weeks in here in Australia and I don’t think I’ve had the chance to stop, evaluate and look around everything that’s been happening.

How are you doing, self? How are you really doing?

Before that, recap muna

Feb 7, arrived Melbourne

Kept my online job and went around Victoria before starting to work bere. Was able to go to some places here in Vic which was really nice. Enjoyed everything.

2 weeks after, I started working and school also started. Work is pretty tiring but so far manageable. School is……. Idk hahahaha magkakaalaman pag lumabas na grades. Pero assessments…. Ty Jocs Hahahahaha

Nakakalabas pa naman ako a few times a week…

Tuesdays or Sundays can be my Me Time.. Thursdays day trip/date nights

Weekly Goal:

•10k steps ave/day

•5-7hrs reading/listening

•40-60hrs work

•at least 1 date night

•eat out/treat yo self

•5hrs or below weekly screen time

•Dont go over 4k budget (monthly)

Just stay still and learn to rest. Stay hydrated. Please stay hydrateeeed.

Talk your family once in a while and enjoy everyday.

Looking at it from a far, it seems im on top of everything and im doing great pero if you ask me right now, all i can say is im tired hahaha. Minsan siguro talaga maaappreciate mo lang mga bagay pag tinitignan mo mabuti. Masaya naman eh. Pag naka tingin ka sa positive.

On the negative side of things,

I dont have go-to friends. Wala. Like, if may good news, if may bad news, if may love life probs, if may kilig kwentos… wala akong mapagkwentuhan…. Pero just thinking about it now, wala naman talaga akong ganon hahahahahahha coz usually jowa ko yung ganon ko….. HMMMMMMMM….. We’ll see.

I hope to find friends soon. My kind of friends please

GOAL FOR NEXT MONTH ❤️

• better latte art

• make friends and meet people